This is an insight into my complex mind. I want it to be for the eyes of only people I trust. So if I have given you the link, feel free to come here and read all about what I happen to be thinking. Otherwise, please leave...my life is of no importance to you.
June 12, 1999~ Today would have been me and Daniel's 1 year 2 month anniversary. I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I had stayed with him. But I went off and kissed Tim. I will never forget the date of me and Tim's first kiss. December 4, 1998. We started going out on the 18th of December. That will be this coming up Friday. It hurts really bad to think about him, it's weird, I have never felt this much pain before in my life. Emotional pain I mean. Well, anyway on to my day. Today was pretty sucky for lack of a better word. I woke up really early, about 6:30 and got up and started on the internet. I read all of my mail and was pleasantly suprised to see that Jon missed me last night. I read his mail and happily searched for his journal, pleased to know that he trusts me that much. When I finally find it, I read it and get this amazing feeling inside. I feel like I am wanted again and it makes me really happy. To know that he feels like I am a princess made my self esteem sky-rocket. It's weird how people can affect you like that. Anyways~ I spent forever waiting for Jon to wake up because he promised to take me to see Scott. So I wait and wait and he finally gets out of bed....he's so sleepy and it's funny that he sleeps so much. It baffles me. Whatever. So he gets up and comes to get me, its funny how he said that he feels like a gentleman with a princess or whatever because when I am with him, I feel like a princess, it's kinda cool. So we drive over to Scott's house with the top down~ that right there makes me feel like a princess. So we see Scott and I am immediatly aware of that uncomfortable feeling I tend to get around him but I tried to shrug it off and have a good time. I guess I'm just not comfortable with him feeling all up on me and stuff. I try not to do it too much to him but.....I dont know. So we decide to go to my house. We got there and I started packing and Jon and Scott got a taste of my temper. I felt like a beast when I walked back into the room. My self-esteem went shoom! through the floor. They went downstairs and I cried. I cried about the way I acted and I cried because of Tim. I seem to do that alot. Everything reminds me of Tim and that is really hard. So, yeah, I clean up and put on my "I'm fine" face and we decide to get Val and take her out to dinner with us. We went to Denny's and there were 3 guys that I really didnt think were all that great looking. But, I needed some attention because Scott wasn't giving me any and Jon and I aren't really that way although sometimes I wish we were so that I could have that kind of attention 24-7 like I crave. I love to hear people tell me that I am pretty or I am nice or whatever. I just deny it alot. So yeah, we left and went to the bookstore, that was so much fun. I love it there. So we left and went over to Eldridge Park where of course all the memories of me and Tim come back. Scott comes up to me and starts talking to me. What frustrates me with him is he just listens. I need someone to say "It will be okay." and hold me. That's it. So anyways, we all go home and I pack because I am leaving for Camp Wright next week. God, that will blow, oh yes, it will blow so bad. Ugg! I am so nervous. I cant sleep which is why I am rambling on and on to this computer screen. Well, goodnight and I guess...I will write all about Wright when I get home. ~KareBear Okay, I was just kidding, I wont write then. It's 2:51 am and I have to get up in 3 hours. I just cant sleep I am sooooooooooo nervous. Okay try this again. Goodnight~KareBear.
************************************************************************************I wrote all of this while I was at Camp Wright:
June 15, 1999: Yesterday we were woken up by the CTO's yelling at the top of their lungs and pounding on our doors to stand at attention. They made several announcements and we got our uniforms ready and we got dressed and all that greatness. At 6:20am, we went down and marched to reveille. That was cool because the sun was rising and it looked so pretty with the flag going up. We went to breakfast which was so gross. We were inspected~I got a 90!!! and we drilled~I got to be flight commander!!. We went to a bunch of classes where I came so close to sleeping. Then we went to lunch where I met this really cool guy named Chris. He's not cute or anything, he just has a great personality. Then we took a group photo. We had 4 more hours of classes, then retreat. Then we went to dinner and then we played baseball for PT. I hit the ball once out of 3 times. We went to our dorms and fell asleep in coldness!!!
June 16, 1999: sigh. Yesterday we were once again woken up rudely but it didn't matter much because I was awake at 3:30am anyways because it was so cold. We went to revellie which was okay. We went to inspection which sucked because I got counted off for my shoes even though we had all just marched through the mud. We drilled for an hour and a half. We went to classes then lunch which was cool because I got to sit by Chris again and we talked and all that greatness. So we went to 4 more hours of classes then we went to retreat. We went to dinner then we played volleyball which was so much fun, our flight became a total team. Then I found out I was chosen for Color Guard for the Pass-In-Review!!! A total honor!! So I went to practice after sports and the practice lasted until 11pm. Then I showered and went to bed.
June 16,1999 (10:25pm): AAAAAH!!!! My emotions are out of control!!!!!! Today we woke up, actually pleasantly and I had a nice dream about Chris the night before so I figured I would have a great day, right? Well, sorta. We marched to reveille which was okay until I fell out for Color Guard-the wrong one. I felt like such an idiot especially since Chris was behind me. I was just like "OOps! I'm a ditz." and just laughed it off. Then we went to breakfast where I convinced someone to let me switch so I could sit with Chris. Well, first I dropped my fork with a loud "clang!" and then I dropped a biscuit with a "thud!". Oops! Then we got inspected~100!!! and we drilled. Then we went to class and I got sooo bored. So I started drawing a picture and a CTO took it up. I was embarrassed because I was next to Chris but I shrugged it off like it was no big deal. Too bad I was soooo embarrassed. So after classes, we wentt o lunch where the head lady figured out it was me who drew it. So, she chewed me out. So, I cried(outside of the room) and felt like shit and I wanted to go home. I missed my parents and my friends. But I stayed and we had one class then we went swimming!! It was so much fun!!! I had a blast because all the guys from my flight were paying attention to me...especially Chris. By now I am starting to feel for him quite a bit but I dont know what to do about it. Well, towards the end of swimming, he picked me up in the water like a baby and carried me to the wall which was significant because before this I had been dunked by him in that position. He carried me to the wall and helped me out. We went and changed and went to retreat and then dinner where once again (this time by chance) Chris and I ended up together. We then went to play softball which is when I decided I'd talk to Chris about how I feel. So I told Chris how I felt, like I liked him but the distance was too much so I wanted to just be his flirting buddy and all that greatness. He was cool with that and we played baseball. So, afterwards, 9 people were chosen to ride home in a van instead of a bus. Me and Chris were 2 of the 9. So we got in the back seat with my friend Bishop. Chris reached his arm up and put it around me which caused me to have a feeling I havent had for a really long time. It made me so happy. He squeezed me and I just grinned the entire way back to campus. I met a new friend Amanda and she had left her Gatorade in this guy's room so she asked me after Pass-In-Review practice to come with her to get it. So I did and guess who was in his room but Chris!!!! So we conversed for a minute then we had to leave and so I hugged Chris. We decided to go there again and we did and Amanda kissed her friend and I just hugged Chris. Oh man, I wanted to kiss him so bad. I told that to Amanda and so we went down there again. Just as I got the courage to do it, CTO's came upstairs!! DAMN IT!!! So I just said good night and went to bed.
June 17, 1999: I woke up today with a huge smile on my face because of my hugs from the night before. The CTO's were once again nice and woke us up civily. We got ready and went downstairs, I was afraid I was going to be uncomfortable around Chris but he totally put me at ease. We marched and we were inspected and all that greatness and once again, through manipulation (very difficult this time) I got to sit by him. Then we were inspected and drilled. I could feel my feelings for him growing and growing and I could tell he felt the same way. So insted of classes that day in the morning, we went to a prison tour. We were in the van together on the ride there, and once again he put his arm around me and squeezed me and held me the entire way there. It felt so good to have someone care about me and hold me again. I wasn't feeling too well then because I havn't eaten since breakfast yesterday. So anyways, we piled out of the van and got in line. It was so wonderful because I was poking his hand and he grabbed my finger and held on to my hand. TALK ABOUT HAPPY!!! The happiness was flowing from my fingertips where he was touching me to the tips of my toes. So we went on the tour and had fun and then on the ride home, we held hands and he had his other arm around me. We went to our dorms and we were just chillen out there and I decided to kiss him tonight. But we went to lunch where he held on to me in line (my fingers~remember no PDA in ROTC uniform). We sat by each other and ate and then we went to classes where he sat by me and we held on to each others hands by the fingertips. We went to retreat then dinner where of course we held each other's hands. (Under the table~it worked out because he is a lefty and I am a righty.) And then we went to team sports where I talked to his friend who was Amanda's little crush and he said "Chris likes you so much. He wanted you to kiss him so bad last night." I was too happy. So we played our hearts out in volleyball and we won all the games which placed us in the semi-finals for tomorrow. I told Chris that Amanda was going to "forget" her Gatorade in James' room. He said he'd be there. So, Amanda and I went to Pass-In-Review practice. Then we went to their room but there were CTO's everywhere! So we told then to meet us downstairs. So they came down and Chris kissed me. It filled me with something stronger than I have ever felt before. It was so amazing. And I could tell by his face he felt the same way. So, they went upstairs and so did we. I am soooo happy!!!!
June 18, 1999: Today was so terrible!!!! It was okay until about 8:30 tonight but I'll get to that. We woke up and stood at attention while they made a few announcements and then we all got ready. I had written Chris a letter last night explaining how much I liked him but I feel as though we should switch into close friends after he leaves. So we went downstairs and then we went to reveille then breakfast where once again I didn't really eat much. I hadn't eaten in 2 days at that point. Chris was upset but he didn't try to force me to eat. Then we went to drill competition and it was so hot. Well, the heat and the lack of nutrition finally got to me and I got sick. Chris was so worried. He was rubbing my back and telling me it would be okay. Val came and made me eat. It was so hard. I felt like barfing!!! I felt better after I ate however; so I got together the equipment and got ready for Pass-In-Review. I wore the chrome helmets which sucked because I think they look so stupid. But I carried the Texas flag and the parade went well. Anyways, we went to study time where luckily Chris and I ended up together again. He wrote back to me while I studied. Then we took our tests. We went back to our rooms and I read his letter. It said: "June 18, 1999 Karen, You were wrong. I want to keep in touch. I just have the typical male disease of not knowing how to express it. The hardest part of this week is going to be saying good-bye. But Houston, excuse me SugarLand is far away from Arlington. I think that when I leave tonight, we should swing into "close friends" mode. Just because of the distance. If you write to me I promise that I will return one. I am not guaranteeing how long the letter or wait will be. I will write you from Florida and stuff. Until we meet again. Love, Chris Saunders" SIGH!!! That broke my heart! I want to live closer to him!! So, we went to lunch where we sat todether (of course) and he made me eat. I was full from the food of the CTO's but I still ate to make Chris happy. Then we went to the sports playoff which was fun, we played volleyball. We lost to Delta Flight but that's okay. We went to the dorms and changed into our swimming stuff. So we went to the pool and we all fooled around and had a blast. I teased Chris alot and so did Jaime. It was so funny. But we went back and changed into our clothes for the banquet. I went down to Chris' room after I was ready and I watched him get ready. Guys are too cute! So anyways we went downstairs together and then we went to retreat. I asked him to make sure we sat next to each other at the banquet since his unit was leaving like 30 minutes after it. So we went to the banquet and *gasp* he was at the other end of the table. Luckily, he kept his promise and got everyone to switch seats so he could sit by me. By now, most everyone knew about "Captain KareBear and Captain Saunders". So we sat by each other and held on to each other. We fought like we were married and I even called him by his full name. Christopher Noel Saunders. Everyone was like "ooh!!! She just called you out!" and he just grinned. We were listening to the speaker and he leaned in and rested his head against mine. I felt so happy. Nothing else could be better. But as each minute of that banquet passed, my heart grew heavier and heavier. The banquet ended and I took a billion pictures with Col. and the rest of the group. Then Chris and I walked back to his room. We hugged and stood there and hugged. He went to change and I sat down on his bed and cried. He came out and was twirling his white shirt around like a stripper and that got me to smile. He knows how to do that. But anyways, he finished changing and he came out and hugged me. He kissed me softly on my forehead and I just felt like putty in his arms. I just hugged and hugged him. He let me have his shirt and while I was hugging him I slipped off my ring and slipped it into his pocket. He looked at me and kissed me. Not like he did last night. He released all of the feelings that either of us felt. It felt like a 5 second kiss but it was, in reality, about 3 or 4 minutes. We went outside his room and I went downstairs and I ran into him again and I went with him to his van thingy. So anyways, we were there and I hugged him and I told him to move to Houston. He just laughed in his usual tone that meant "Uh, sorry babe." He smiled and said, "Well, here comes Cheif so..." and I hugged him more and he kissed me again and said "Bye." I barely squeezed out a goodbye and I walked off crying. I went back into the dorms and went into his room and laid down on his matress and cried. It smelled like him and I just wanted to move to Arlington. I spent a while in there and then I went and packed and moved into Jaime and Mary's room where we played Truth or Dare all night.
June 19, 1999: I woke up this morning and the first thing I s aw was my CTO, Major Bur ke. It s cared me at first. But I got him up and I got up and we all went to breakfast. It made me sad that I had no one to hold on to! But I gathered up all the courage I had and decided that I wasn't going to let this get the best of me. So I loaded up the van with everone and headed home. I thought about Chris alot and I even wrote him a letter. I guess I really hope things can work out eventually. In the mean time, I am going to enjoy my friends. So, anyways, I got home and like 10 minutes later Jon and Scott pull up. So they come into my room with this bag. I almost cried, it was so sweet! I was so happy to see them. I dont know, they didnt seem to feel the same way. But anyways, they left and then Char, Jer, and Val came over. It was fun, I think because Val and I kinda proved to Char that we are becoming best friends. I guess I hope Char gets jealous.But anyways. I got on the computer and read all of Jon's emails and stuff. I read his journal and it kinda freaked me out. He said Char said we should go out and all sorts of other stuff!!!! Uh, I love Jon to death but I could never go out with him because we are soooooo different. I am ready to kill Char for encouraging this. I really dont want him to be hurt!!! GRR!!! But anyways, I called Chris and we talked a little bit and it was just so nice to hear his voice. I just hope things work out. Gotta Go!
June 20,1999: Today has been interesting. I woke up this morning to my cat jumping on my bed and purring against me. I looked at the clock and realized it was 9 am and I had a feeling like I overslept. I guess I'm just used to getting up early. But you know, whatever. I got up and made breakfast for my dad and we went to church. We had a meeting for Mo-Ranch and then we sat through church. We got home and I fell asleep for 2 and a half hours before my dad asked me to go to the movies with him. So, we went and saw Star Wars which is a movie he has wanted to see. Now, its 6:30 or so, he wants me to go out to dinner with him in a bit. We're going to Ryan's. I am feeling so close to my dad lately, we connect and have so much fun when we are available for each other. You might think I would be missing Chris so much right now but I'm really not. I think God wanted me to meet him so that I could get over Tim. And that's what Chris helped me do. Now, I feel like all me and Chris could be is friends. Right now, I want to concentrate on making myself a better person. I want to be......perfect I guess. Possible???????
8:41pm: It's times like these that I wish Jeremiah would disappear. I really need Char right now but what's the use of calling her? She's with Jeremaih I'm sure. I guess that's been my attitude since I emailed her about everything that has been bothering me and she just emailed me back rubbing things in my face. I love Charlotte to death and I wish that things could return to the way they were. But it feels like we have nothing to talk about anymore. I certainly don't want to talk about Jeremiah and there's nothing really interesting happening in my life because to tell you the truth, I don't really have much of a life right now. Hopefully our week together might help us straighten things out between us. I just hope it doesn't suck because I'm going to be totally looking at guys and I am almost sure she is going to be like "Well, I have Jer...." which is cool and all but I don't want to neglect her if I am with a guy. Last year worked out because she had one too that was there. But this year, unless her and Jer break up in like a week, its not possible. She wrote me an email about how all week people have been saying I've been talking about her. Hell yeah I have. Sorry but if you lose your best friend because of some crack head guy, wouldn't you talk??? I mean she spends like all of her time with him and God forbid if Karen needs some time with her! *gasp* What??? Charlotte spent 10 minutes without Jer??? Is the world ending?? Everyone knows that her and Jer are totally wrapped up in each other and its funny because this week everyone was talking about how the whole reason she didn't come to Camp Wright was because of Jer. That's not true and all and I told them that but no one believed me. Even Col Clark was talking about how sad it was that they can't split from each other for like 2 seconds. I guess it makes me sad because I see how she is driving all of her friends away. Val and I have become best friends because we have something in common. We have both been driven away by Char because of Jer. I don't know. Things are so confusing to me. Whatever.
June 21, 1999: Today has been pretty weird. I woke up this morning to the sound of my little sister and my mom fighting. Ah, how nice it is to be home. So anyways I looked at the clock and it said 10:45am which meant I got alot of sleep again. So I rolled out of bed and went into my bathroom where I immediatly encountered the fight so I turned around and went to my mom's room. Then I went downstairs and got my breakfast ready. I was eating and the phone rang. It was Bryan Lemmon calling me from Dallas! Today is his birthday and I actually remember having a dream about his birthday. So we talked for about an hour and then we got off the phone. I got online and Val was there. So we talked and I asked her to spend the night, totally forgetting about me and Jon's date until I read his email about it!! OOps!!! So I asked Val if she'd mind coming, she said no. So I got offline and I was starting to feel really lonely and then I decided to call Chris. So I called and his mom answered and said he was at work. I was about to hang up but then she said "Is this Karen?" so I was like "yeah," and she said "Oh! I asked him what I should tell you if you called and he said that tomorrow he has the day off and you should call about 11" and I said "in the morning?" and she said "yes" so I was all happy because he left a special message for me which means he was thinking about me :). Lord only knows how much I've been thinking about him. So that made me happy enough to feel like shaving my legs. So I took this really long bath and shaved and here I am now all happy n stuff! Bye!
6:17pm. Let's see, not much is going on now but I just heard some huge explosion around my house. I dont know. But anyways, I can't stop thinking about Chris. It's like a disease or an addiction. Good Lord, my mom is screaming about something. Anyways, I got a little bit of his voice (what the hell is my mom talking about?!) and now it's like I need more and more of it. He's so special to me. I dont know. ARG! I need to learn how to control my emotions.
9:26pm. I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT CHRIS!!! I found this song that reminded me of him and me. It goes: "Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me, every so often promise me you'll try. On that day, that not so distant day, when you are far away and free, if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me. And though it's clear, though it was always clear that this was never meant to be, if you happen to remember, stop and think of me. Think of August when the trees are green; dont think about the way things might have been. Think of me, think of me waking silent and resigned. Imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind. Think of me please say you'll think of me whatever else you choose to do. There will never be a day when I won't think of you. Flowers fade, the fruits of summer fade, they have their season so do we.....but please promise me that sometimes you will think of me.
June 22, 1999: Let's see now, yesterday night Jon and I hung out at his house and watched Road Rules and then Val came over. I'm beginning to feel so comfortable around Jon, kinda like he's my best friend. Its really cool because that's what I have been hoping would happen~we'd become best friends. So anyways, Val and I left and went to Kroger and then the gas station to get calling cards. Then we went to my house and decided to go rent a few videos. So we went to Blockbuster Video and rented Romeo and Juliet, and Top Gun. Pablo was there and he asked Val "Are Karen and Tim still broken up?" and Val says "yeah" and I asked Pablo, "Why you want to take me somewhere or something?" and he just grinned so I said "Well, give me a call!" I mean, really Pablo is cool and all but I could only go on dates with him. That's it. So anyways, we go home and watch Romeo and Juliet which sadly reminds me of Chris and that I had to wait until 11 the next morning to call him. So, we finish the movie and go to sleep. The next thing I know I see my cat next to me, then I look up and see this blurry thing that kinda looks like Jon but I can't be sure because I dont have my glasses on. So anyways, I freaked out because it was Jon and he went and bought me and Val doughnuts!! It was so sweet! I feel bad because I dont know how I will ever repay him. The only way I can think of is to be the best friend I can be. But anyways, so 11 comes around and I call Chris. We talked for an hour and a half. It was so great! He told me he was coming down here in like October. On October 9th was the wedding so I have a feeling we will spend October 10th together. I dont care as long as I can see him again. So anyways, we finally decided I would call him tomorrow at 11 am again. I have to set my alarm so I can be awake by then. So anyways, um....oh yeah, by this time Danny Benson was over so we decided to go to Jack-In-the-Box. I had to plead Jon to let me drive. So yeah, we went to Jack in the Box and we ate and all that greatness. Then Jon and I went to go see Col. We talked and stuff and it was cool. I think Col will have my video done by Thursday, I think I am going to ask Mrs. Pyle if I can copy it at her house. I can't wait to see it!!!! So, yeah, then we came home and here I am. So, I better go now.